Dr Mary Casey
Founder and CEO of the Casey Centre
www.caseycentre.com.au
Conflict at work will occur from time to time. But if there is an ongoing conflict with one person, and when you walk away from every interaction feeling like you have been manipulated, it is highly likely you are being manipulated.
Many years ago, I became a target for a manipulator who worked for me. Over a long period of time I often felt sick, angry and constantly frustrated, simply because I was not aware that I was being manipulated.
Although I am an independent, strong and intelligent person, I lacked personal boundaries. As a result, I allowed this person to make decisions and make changes – basically doing what she wanted.
I did this because I thought that she was a great worker and motivated to grow the business. The truth was that this person was intimidated by anyone who was smart or assertive.
The goal of a manipulator is to control and influence the behaviours and action of others. Because it’s about control, manipulation is prevalent in the workplace, which usually has a hierarchical structure. To control others, manipulators can abuse their positions, authority, or responsibilities, while not overstepping accepted boundaries in the workplace.
The control gestures manipulators use include emotional blackmail, dishonest yet persuasive language, discrediting others around them, deflecting the issue at hand when confronted, concealed threats, and lies or distortion of the facts. What’s interesting is most manipulators don’t realise they are doing this because their behaviour is fed by their own insecurities, or a view of life as a series of battles
So how do you deal with manipulation when it’s your staff or co-worker? People do what they do because they can, so firstly, it’s important to define your limits and set boundaries by being assertive.
As masters of the emotional game, manipulators will use any emotional reaction on your part as evidence that you are the abuser. So it’s very important that you always deal with the behaviour, not the person – this will ensure you disengage emotionally and think rationally – unemotional assertiveness is an attitude a manipulator cannot match.
Dealing effectively with manipulation is, at its core, about thinking differently, which is very easy on a rational level, but daunting on an emotional level.
When you want to avoid hiring a manipulator in the first place, the first difficulty is spotting it when someone is in front of you for half an hour. I would suggest allowing the candidate to start working while monitoring their trial period very closely for negative behaviour. Another idea is to also get feedback from other staff.
